Motherhood. Am I messing it all up?

Before becoming a mom... I knew it all.

I knew exactly what I was going to do. Exactly how to deal with every incident. I had a timeline. Kids should be doing this by this age and doing that by that age. My kids would not scream and cry in public. My kid would go to bed early and sleep throughout the night. My kid would not whine ... or throw temper tantrums in public.

I basically had all the answers at the age of 20. Motherhood was easy. People were just lazy.

Karma got me. It actually slapped me in the face a few times.

Motherhood is hard. It is the hardest job in the entire world.

And I constantly feel like I am screwing it up. Every single day. I feel like I could be doing something better. I could have more patience. I could play more. I say No too much. I should say yes more often. I should color more. We should spend less time with cartoons. I should not let Maddux eat peanut butter tacos again tonight for dinner.

But I get home from work. And I am tired. and I pick my battles.
I justify things like... well the almond butter and banana wrap is healthier than mac and cheese... or its probably better than spaghetti. and to be honest... sometimes I just want that crying to end. Some days I just do not want to fight. So I allow my three year old to win. Will this bite me in the butt someday? Sure. I am sure it will

But I like to think... who knows what the best way is to do anything? All we can do is our best and hope that is enough.
I use bribery to all ends. I mean seriously. I am not sure if there is another mom that uses bribery as much as I do. My son will do about anything for a new action figure. and I use this 5 dollar toy to every advantage.

Its probably not the best method but it works.

I was just sitting here tonight.. remembering how easy motherhood was going to be for me. Tonight I am exhausted.

It's amazing how that perfect image in our heads was so attainable. It was so easy...
until I actually became a mom. And it hits you. seriously... it hits you all at once. There is no easing into it. just ready or not... here comes constant worrying. Constant exhaustion. Constant fear of failing.

Yet. Constant... Happiness.

No one ever warned me that becoming a mother meant you never get to go to the bathroom alone.
Some days I am exhausted. Peeing alone would honestly be a vacation. Five minutes alone. That'a all Mommy wants once in awhile! :)

As a mom... we are constantly comparing ourselves to others. Its human nature. And we will compare our everyday lives with the glimpses we catch of other families. who I like to believe are just as crazy at home as my house is. Peanut butter on windows.... captain america action figures in toilet bowls... light sabers... everywhere.

I guess my point is. This job is hard. Being a mom is hard. I know I am not alone in constantly worrying if I am messing it all up. This overwhelming fear of... what if I am doing it all wrong.

Then you get nights.. where your kid will wrap their arms around your neck and say. Mom, I love you. And you get that one glimpse... sometimes the only glimpse in that day ... I have to be doing one thing right... at least. one small thing right.

Even though its hard.. that smile.. makes it all worth it.
I love this cheese ball face. Even when he is begging for peanut butter banana tacos. Every single night :)
This boy makes all of my exhaustion... disappear with one toothy grin. I love that smile more than life itself. It is my simple definition of perfection.

Goodnight Everyone.