Thursday, March 19, 2015

Dealing with the final trimester....

So I remember telling Jerry, after we had Maddux... the second time... I would remember to take more photos. I would be better about documenting...

Well ... that did not happen ... again

Unfortunately, I am not one of those girls that finds pregnancy to be this beautiful... glowing.... experience.
Instead.... I feel huge, uncomfortable, emotional, and lazy.

Don't get me wrong. I am so super excited to be having this little boy. I literally cannot wait for Maddux to meet his baby brother... I am anxious and excited... and looking forward to it more than I can even put into words.
However, this experience is just.. hard.
Everyone wants to tell you their opinions. Whether you ask them or not. And being pregnant, you are already on emotional overload... so the tiniest things just... set you off.

I hate the weight gain. I hate it even more this time around because I remember how hard it was to get rid of it with Maddux, and I know how much work I am going to have to do this coming spring.
All I want is a bottle of wine and a platter filled with sushi.

We are less than 2 months from changing out family drastically. Adding another precious baby boy to our family of three. I find that the closer I get… the more nervous I get… the more I worry. It seems this time around… I worry about it more. When Jerry and I were getting ready to have Maddux I didn’t have the fear of what will this do to our marriage… or how this will affect us. But now… with a five year old… I find this thought hovering constantly. How will this change our dynamic? Will Maddux still be excited once he arrives? Will he still call him “his best buddy”?

I feel guilty… and anxious. This pregnancy has made me tired and lazy. Lazier than I have ever been. I let Maddux eat his dinner lately while watching TV rather than at the table… because all I want to do is lay down on the couch. And since it’s just me and him most nights… I don’t have the energy to argue with him over eating everything on his plate. I am not up running around lately… I’m not playing… the weather is nicer and the thought of playing outside makes me want to just curl up under blankets and take a nap. And it’s terrible. I feel like a terrible mom.

I have 6 weeks left with of one on one time with him… and I am spending the majority of it... with my feet up napping on the couch... Watching endless cartoons. I need to be better, take advantage of these last few weeks… get off my butt and spend some time with him. And I give myself this lecture every night after he is in bed… and then the next day comes… and I am exhausted. And I repeat the same mistakes.

On top of the guilt… I am anxious. And worried. And a thousand other emotions. I have had 5 years of one on one time with Maddux. I know him… really know him. I love the age gap already… because it gave me time. Time with him. And for me… it’s what I wanted. But it’s hard to imagine adding another one to the mix. I love Maddux will all my heart… how am I going to love another kid like this?

Lots of mom’s I know have had the same feelings… apparently its common. And they say… it just happens. Which makes sense right? I am not a girl that believed in love at first sight until I had Maddux. and even though I loved him before he was physically here… while he was in my belly. The day he was born… The moment that I saw him… was… in fact true love at first site. An overwhelming emotion… of instantly just worrying about this tiny tiny human…. More than yourself. It happens instantaneously. Its something you don’t understand… until it happens. And that is what I imagine happens the second time around…

I worry about wasting these next few weeks giving into being lazy. Because on one hand… yes, it is important to rest when you are pregnant… on the other hand… you want to spend time with your kid before you change his whole world.
I thought unwanted pregnancy advice was bad with Maddux… I can tell you what is worse… the second time pregnancy/family comments. I get so many negative comments on waiting 5 years. And like most of us know… these comments come from people closest to us. It’s just the way it goes sometimes. I get told that Maddux is going to have a hard time sharing… isn’t going to adjust to having a baby easily… etc. etc. I get told that “aren’t you worried they won’t be close since there is 5 years between them” And… before I even have this one here… in my arms “are you going to try again… this time for a girl?”

I hate these questions/comments. And you are already tired and crabby when pregnant. So these comments… no matter if they mean well or not… get to you. 

I don’t think Maddux is going to have a hard time sharing. So I chalk that up to… well they don’t know my kid like I do… so what does it matter. The other night Maddux went through all his toys in his room without me knowing… and put a pile of toys in the nursery. I didn’t notice the night he did it. So I asked him about it the following night… if he was playing in the baby’s room. And he said… “No mom, I was giving Hudson my baby toys… since I am a big boy I don’t need those anymore. But Ill share my big boy toys with him if he wants” So I'm not too worried about sharing. He shares with his cousins… no problem at all. I would worry if Hudson could wear the superhero costumes… but since he will be way too small to care… we wont have any issues there J

And as stated above… I chose this age gap. I always said I wanted my kids 4-6 years apart. It’s what makes sense for us… as a family. People make this choice off what works for them. So those people that choose a 1-2 year gap. Or 3 year gap… great! Or If you choose a 7 year gap… great! I really don’t see how people find this to be something to comment on. I know that a lot of people plan for their kids to be 2-3 years apart. Which is great. And my family members have had their kids this age apart... and its a great age difference. And I know they wouldn't choose any differently.
But different things work for different people. I wanted more time with Maddux. I have enjoyed having 5 years solely focused on him.... and spending this time undivided getting to know him. And for me... Financial reasons play a role. I want time between them... so I can plan accordingly as far as daycare pricing... college tuition's...etc, etc.  But again, people want to take your plan and compare it to theirs... and then tell you why their choice is right... but yours is wrong. I always choose to make decisions on what is best for us. I try very hard to not rush into things.... take my time... and not make a decision because that's what others do around me. And sometimes its hard... but with age... and experience... I have learned that what works well for others...doesn't always work for me. And I need to take a step back and focus on that.  The other day at work, a woman I work with Veronica asked me how old my first was… and I said 5.. and I braced myself for the comment of… “wow five years apart”… but instead she replied with “that’s the perfect age to add another one.” And it took everything out of me not to hug her and thank her ... for just being kind.

"Are you going to try for a girl" question. I really hate this question. No. I’m not. We might try for a third kid… we aren’t sure yet. We aren’t sure where we are…. But when we try for that 3rd. I will not be hoping for a girl over hoping for a boy. I love having a boy. I was scared at first when finding out about Maddux. Boys are foreign to me… they play different… they like different things.. and I worried  “what I would be able to teach or bond with when having a boy” and five years later… its amazing. Its truly amazing. I won’t always be the center of his world… but for now I soak up in the bond between mother and son. Because its amazing. I am told every single day that I am his beautiful princess… and I get bouquets of dandelions…. And kisses and snuggles… and he is so animated and creative… and I have loved getting to learn about superheroes and the complete wonder of all things dinosaurs. I can’t wait to do it all over again with the next one. Little boys love their Momma’s there is some truth to Momma’s boy and it’s something I wouldn’t trade for anything. I feel lucky that I get to have 2 boys… and if I tried for the third… I would be just as lucky to get another boy as I would be to have a daughter. I don’t “have” to have a girl. I just “have” to have… healthy happy kids.
I look forward to having boys... The bond between them... Maddux gets to teach his baby brother how to throw a baseball, play basketball, teach him everything he knows about super heroes. I cant wait to see the interaction of all things boy.... and I am excited to see Hudson as an individual. In what ways will he be like Maddux.... and in what ways will he be different. I cant wait to see these two boys... and their uniqueness from each other... just as much as I cant wait to see the likeness between the two.  And plus now with my 3 boys in my life... I am just solidifying my place as princess....

Just 6 more weeks... and I might start feeling like myself again... well an exhuasted version of myself. And if any of you want to visit in 6+ weeks and bring me a bottle of wine and plate of sushi... I think we might just be best friends forever.

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