Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Dear Maddux

Dear Maddux,

One day you are going to grow up... become a man. Hopefully find a woman you fall madly in love with and raise your own family... I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

Age 4 has been hard on me (and I know its just going to get harder the older you get) but man... 4 is hitting me hard. You are no longer my baby. You are so independent. You want to do everything on your own. You no longer need me as much for the little things. And its hitting me hard.  You want to do everything by yourself. The things you needed me for... I am no longer needed. And its weird... how bitter sweet this really is. How the first time you put your shoes on yourself... I was clapping at first so excited at this first moment... then it hit me. And I am literally about to cry because my son put on his own shoes (who is this woman?) It's hard. I want my baby... but I want him to start becoming a big boy. The other night after I brushed your teeth... you insisted you finished on your own. I just stood there watching you in the bathroom mirror when you looked at me and almost as if you could read my mind .. you said...."Mommy, I am a big boy... but still mommy's baby."

You most recently insisted on shaving like daddy. so we went out and got you a kit so you could do this in the bath tub... How much you watch your father and observe him is inspiring. You want to be just like daddy. I love when you eat all your food and exclaim "And now... I will be as big as daddy because my belly is filled with food!" Everything your father does... you mimic. You wear his shoes... his shirts... you copy phrases he uses... I love watching you admire him. It is such a great feeling realizing not only just how amazing you are as... but what an amazing dad you have that is giving you such a great example on what life is all about.

There is so much kindness in you. With your soft little voice. And your sincerity.... at the age of 4 you already have such a pure heart... and I never want to see that fade.There is so much sweetness in you. In moments in pours out. You will walk up to me, kiss my cheek and say "Mommy, I love you more than cookies" and I know how much cookies mean to you.. and that is your highest form of a compliment :) You will request that I hold your hand in the car when you feel sleepy. You will sing me songs about how we are best friends forever and ever. These moments ... make me know that even though I may not be perfect... I am doing something right.... something right to receive such a sweet boy.

Your imagination just keeps growing. And recently your imagination has come into play with your story telling. You come up with the most elaborate stories of how you beat up ninjas that break into your room. Or how you jumped off a building and tackled a spider.... so elaborate... so creative at just the age of 4. You play with action figures for hours and re-create scenes from TV shows and movies. And literally spend hours watching these figurines come to live before your own eyes. I have never and will never have an imagination so this is extraordinary for me to watch. Someone so intertwined in their own head... its amazing.

As a parent, I think a common fear is our children having the same insecurities as us. We take our flaws and hope that our kids are the opposite... but this age has made me realize how much alike me and you are in so many ways. You are shy and easily embarrassed in front of strangers. Once you warm up ... there is no stopping you. But that initial interaction terrifies you. This is one of the qualities you get from me. One that I wished I hadn't passed down to you... because I remember being that shy... to the point of not being able to move. I know that with time we will get through it... the more we put you in the more it will fade... but these next few years will be a struggle. And I hate experiencing this struggle from a parent's point of view. I wish I could just fix it and make it easier in a snap of my fingers. But I realize I have to keep forcing you into these situations... meeting new people and trying new things... and I know that with time... you will overcome this.

You do have some issues with sharing. Its hard. I realize that you are an only child... so your things are ... your things. but we are trying very hard on the sharing issue. You do get better as time goes on. The more time someone is here the better you are at sharing. however... one day you took all 57 of your action figures... Nana asked if she could play with you and you instructed her that you would play with all the action figures and she could pretend to be spider man using only her fingers. Luckily Nana is as stubborn as you... so in the end you cautiously shared one action figure ... but you kept one close eye on it at all times to make sure it was played with correctly.

You have just started getting into boardgames .. which makes your mom insanely happy. As mentioned I have zero imagination... so the requests of playing action figures is hard on me. Not to mention if I play wrong... you proceed to take all action figure privileges away from me. So boardgames are right up my alley. I love organized play and you love ... well everything. So we have started playing board games on Friday nights. This is quite possibly my favorite time of the whole weekend.

On another crazy note you somehow like my singing. Which is crazy. I dread the day that you realize just how terrible my voice is.... Right now, we will put you down to sleep and I will hear a small voice... asking "Mommy, will you sing to me" and we always agree on one song... and immediately following you are out.  One day I will sing and you will run the opposite direction.... but right now I am soaking up these moments when you do not know any better.

You are smart, emotional, stubborn, sentimental, brave, timid, always hungry, giggly, bashful, happy, loving, kind, playful, imaginative, unique, and overall simply perfect.

My sweet boy. I love you ever so much.


** for anyone new around here. I often try to post a Dear Maddux letter on my blog. It is a record keeper for me. A reminder of the little things.. what we are doing at this age. His personality. I save these and once I have collected enough I print them out in a book. Its a form of journaling for me... in hopes that I don't forget all of amazing tiny moments of his life.

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