Fears.

As most of you all know. We lost our 2nd pregnancy in December.

I did pretty good with it. Better than most people thought I would be. And at that time... I thought okay. well things happen. It wasn't meant to be and I gave myself a pat on the back and concentrated on how lucky I was to have Maddux. Decided that it will happen with the timing is right and life will go on. Things will be fine.

To be honest, completely honest. I didn't think too much about it. I kind of just pretended it never happened. It was a bad dream. And I didn't want to talk about it with anyone.

Now though... people ask. Are you trying again?

I know people have your best intentions at heart. They really do. And these people that ask me. They love me. I know that. And they are wanting me to be happy.
And I have given them no reason to think this question was not okay.

But then that's when it hits me.

Are you trying again?

And to be honest.

No.

No we haven't.

And to be truthful.
To be honest... honest with myself.

I'm scared.
So scared.

Its almost a paralyzing fear.
I don't want that to happen again.

Maddux was such an easy pregnancy. so easy.
And then everything was fine in our last pregnancy. It was normal.
The first time we went in... we ended up being earlier than we thought we were. The timing seemed off. But they told us not to worry. Things like this happen.
I was worried that whole week. Trying to keep myself busy not thinking about it. Telling myself everything would be fine. This happened with Maddux too. The same scare. This is just the same thing happening again.

So we went back in 2 weeks later... and there it was a tiny heartbeat.
and I could breathe. The baby was fine. Everything was fine.

They say when you see that heartbeat... you are in the clear. or well most of the time you are.
But the doctor wanted us to come back 2 weeks later... since our timing was off. So I was happy. We told everyone we were pregnant. Announced it. Started planning. Started talking to Maddux about being a big brother. And just... completely accepting that our lives were about to change. Again. Drastically. And i was happy. So very happy.

Then it happened. I started spotting. And I didn't tell Jerry. I thought if I ignored it.. It would go away.
I was already in the hospital due to an infected gland in my throat. It was slow at first. barely there. but still.... there.

And I couldn't breathe. And I was holding this secret. I didn't want to worry him. And I did not want to admit something could be wrong. So denial was keeping me strong. It was nothing, this meant nothing.

Then the next day... it got worse. So I told the nurse. And she got in touch with our OB and we were sent in to have an ultrasound
The drive there... was silent. The air was so thick and we were both lost in our own thoughts
and Jerry would randomly squeeze my hand and say. Its fine. The baby is fine. Don't worry.

But I knew. I just knew it wasn't fine.
So we got there, I had no glimmer of hope. I knew what they were going to tell me.
So they put it on screen. and there it was. Nothing.
No heart beat. No nothing.
Just a blob on the screen.
I don't remember what the nurse said.
I don't remember what Jerry said.

I remember just sitting there telling myself. Don't cry. Don't cry. Things like this happen. and trying to convince myself... that I cannot cry.

Then we had to meet with our doctor.. who for the most part. avoided the topic for a while. which i thought was kind. he talked about my neck what the hospital said... and we did small talk. then he said... this is not your fault. Nothing you did was wrong. This happens. We don't know why.. but it happens.

He let us know that the chances of happening again are slim. and he gave us optimistic statistics on for when we were ready to try again.

And i walked out of there deciding I will not be that girl that dwells on this. I will not. I will look forward. I will be thankful for Maddux. I will not let this bring me down at Christmas.
I did well. I fooled myself for awhile.

And then it hit me. A few weeks ago Maddux came over and kissed my belly and told me he loves the baby in my belly. And I lost my breathe.. and I felt... empty. We never told Maddux anything. Obviously he is too young. we just stopped talking about it... thinking he would forget.
And he hasn't brought it up since. It was just that day. And it was such a sweet gesture. So sweet. so loving. so innocent.

But it floored me. and i realized how afraid I am.

Maybe I am not ready yet.

Maybe denying how I felt did more harm than good.

But trusting that things work out for a reason. Having faith and believing this is for a better outcome. A purpose.

So no. We are not trying again.
Not yet.
Because I am afraid

But hoping that if I admit fear. I will have the strength to let go and move forward. And have a little faith.

So I am choosing to fight it. Fight the feelings of being afraid.
Because I am robbing myself. Robbing myself of joy, because of fear

So as of today. I am choosing to be brave.
Choosing to let go of those fears.
And have faith in his plan.