Sunday, August 24, 2014

Patiently... Or Not So Patiently Waiting

Few warnings.
1. This post contains a lot of complaining
2. This is probably a read only if you are female type of post.

So, it's no secret around here we have hopes of expanding our family.

And with Maddux, it happened so easily. Almost too easy... and I just assumed it would be like that for our second. You can read about struggles we have had... here and here.

We just recently started seriously discussing a sibling. But still... it's been some ... waiting.
I mean, this whole thing is crap. I am one of those people that are not all that in tune with my body. Some people can sense the tiniest thing... I am not one of those people. I have about 12 apps on my phone that are guessing at the "most likely" time frame... and the amazing thing is... they are all different.

I'm okay with all of it on most days. I figure whatever should happen... will happen. And if I'm meant to only have one kid. I am completely okay with that. Ill leave it up to fate... and just go with it.
I enjoy all this one on one time with Maddux. He will soon be 5 years old.. and these 5 years have been all about him. I have loved being able to give him my undivided attention at all times.

But trying for a baby is hard. And that week before Aunt flow visits you start second guessing everything. You start looking for signals that aren't there, or misreading normal monthly signals and hoping it means... something else. Reading early pregnancy signs lists online (which let me tell you... those symptoms are the exact same symptoms you get for your period) so every single month you are filled with false hope..  And then you buy 30 pregnancy tests just so you can have a visual reminder... that no... not this month. try again. and now you are sad and out 50 bucks.
It usually takes me that 1 day. That 1 day that I realize... this month is not the month. That day is hard for me. Not hard as in... I weep in my bathroom. But just.. frustrating annoyance for that day...

I know some people who try getting pregnant and have a hard time seeing pregnant women. Or their friends getting pregnant. And I understand why those people have such a hard time. Because when you want something, and we create a picture in our head... we want that. as soon as possible. Because.. its human nature. I am not to that point, and I hope that never happens. I do want to stop and ask strangers how long it took.... and I want them to tell me... they waited a while.... just to make myself feel better.

I realize... I am lucky enough to have one kid. There are so many women out there trying and trying.. and they are struggling to even have just the one. So I don't want to come across as selfish. because I understand we all have our struggles. This is just a post complaining about my current struggle.

I have always wanted my kids farther apart in age.
I have always thought I wanted 2 kids...
but... I have fears of losing another pregnancy.

So to be honest, I am kind of doing okay...

Until Maddux hits me with the...

"Mom, can you make a baby grow in your belly, I want a baby"
And I want so badly to give him what he is asking for. Watching him with my friends baby... I know he would be such a great big brother. Will there be days of fighting... and not getting along if so come the day... absolutely. But he wants a companion. And in that moment... my heart aches. He is on this baby kick lately... and its getting to me. He will put his hand on my belly and ask me if there is a baby brother in there... and I have to tell him No... No honey...Not yet. and he is sad. and looks at me so innocently and says... I just want a baby.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I believe things work out the way they are supposed to.I just wish... I knew how it would all play out in the end. This sitting around... guessing... wondering... it sucks.

I just need a crystal ball to tell me where I am this time... next year.
The not knowing is killing me.

Meanwhile, I find silver linings each month.
I get to spend more time with Maddux. Which in a way I am so thankful for.
Today is just one of those days.... I feel the need to complain.
Try explaining to a 4 year old... that you cant just make a baby grow in your belly.
Because... he literally asks once every 4 days. And I just wish he knew how badly I wish that was the way it worked.

In other news. I'll leave you with the cutest little boy accepting the ALS challenge to raise awareness :)

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