Hudson's Birth Story

So Thursday April 16th, I was having light contractions throughout the night. I had even told my mom earlier... I might have to make a trip into the hospital... because they were pretty consistent... but I was just thinking I was being paranoid and crazy. So that night... they got worse... and I was laying on the couch in pain... and my husband was trying to reason with me.... "Let's just go in Fawn... have them check it out... better safe than sorry" and I refused. I was so worried about looking like a crazy person... because seriously... my family never has babies early... so I just knew... this was all in my head. Well...  finally he called my doctor... to which he said... have her drink some water... and lay down and see if they slow down. So we did that... and nope they stayed just where they were. So we called him back an hour later and he advised we go into the hospital.

At this point, my husband panics. He is literally no help in this situation at all. He is usually calm and easy going... until he thinks we could possibly having a baby and then all reasoning just goes out the window. He literally ran around our house up and down the stairs in mad chaos. and I thought for sure he was packing stuff to get ready. So while he did that... I grabbed my hospital bag... and the baby bag. I got Maddux dressed. Got shoes on him... and then I look at Jerry and say... are you ready? and he replies yes. So we get in the car... and i was like do you have the camera? the video camera? and your wallet? and he just... stared at me. with this blank stare... and it took him literally 7 seconds to process. Nope. he does not. so then he ran back in disappeared for a while and then ran back out...completely out of breath. we back out of the driveway and he realizes.... He still does not have his wallet. so we have to go back....

I honestly have no idea what this guy just did for the past 45 minutes. He did not grab clothes. or cameras. or wallets... he literally grabbed nothing. However, he ran around our house like a mad person. So I just ask him.... what did you do while running around???? and he looks back at me and says ... very seriously... I think I just .... ran up and down the stairs repeatedly.
Well okay then...

So we get to the hospital... and its about 10 pm at night. Maddux is somehow wide awake... and filled with energy. I am annoyed... and feel like we are wasting our time... and Jerry is still recovering from the mini marathon he just put on back at home. They get us in... hook me up to machines... and then it all begins.

Hudson was dipping very low... consistently.. which was concerning... so they said, well we are going to keep you overnight and observe this and see if this gets better. So we had to call my mom to come get Maddux... She got there around... 1AM if i remember right... Maddux was still. WIDE AWAKE filled with energy. I felt bad for her... that kid was not going to sleep any time soon. I kept telling her that I would be home tomorrow and I am sorry for the inconvenience and Jerry kept correcting me because apparently the nurse had said they would be taking the baby at some point that weekend... but i refused to acknowledge it. I was just convinced I was going home.

So we finally fell asleep around... 2AM. and was woken up two short hours later... with the nurse saying. Okay Dr Michael is on his way... and we will be performing a c-section in about an hour.

..... Umm What?

This is the worst way to be woken up. Let me tell you.

She preceded to say that Hudson kept dropping and they aren't sure why he was in distress but it was enough that they wanted to get him out to avoid any issues.

... Okay.

Well I have never had surgery. And the c-section that was scheduled for 2 weeks out was already giving me nightmares... almost daily. so giving me one hour to prepare... was terrible. I was scared to death. And i didn't get time to wrap my head around it. because once they came in... they start prepping you for surgery. Here Fawn... please drink this... Here Fawn please sign these forms... etc etc.

Then they take you into the room for the c-section... and i realized okay... Jerry stopped following at some point. So then I am panicking in my head. All I wanted at that moment was him in the room. but instead... he was waiting outside until they got me prepped.  Those 20 minutes or however long it was...it felt like 2 hours. I am sure it was just a few minutes... While they are poking your back with the most painful needles telling you not to move... relax your shoulders while i just stab you repeatedly with this... meanwhile doctors and nurses are moving about the room discussing weekend plans... gardening ideas... what movies they are going to see. etc etc. and its just... overwhelming...

Finally... Jerry came into the room. And it began.

I actually hated this experience. Maybe because i wasn't ready. Maybe because it was different because he was a few weeks early. But i remember hearing Hudson cry... and everyone talking about the baby... I couldn't see. and all i wanted to do was see my baby. They asked Jerry to come over to the baby... and he was sweet enough to not at first go because he knew it was killing me to not see him... so he didn't get up until i was like... go ... go see him. :) and finally which seemed like an hour... Jerry brought him over... I got to look at him... and kiss him...and finally meet Hudson.... but just for a few minutes. because he was having some breathing issues they had to take him to the special care nursery.
Hudson was 5 lbs 14 oz. and 20 inches long. He was tiny compared to Maddux. Maddux was almost 9 lbs when he was born... so Hudson was about half the size. So little.
Comes to find out, he was dipping because he had the cord wrapped around his neck and around one of his legs.

So it was like.. they cut me open... took my baby.. and I couldn't see him.
I had to wait there while they put me all back together. I told Jerry to go with Hudson....
So I was there by myself... To which then they wheel you off to a recovery room for a while to sit... and wait. and I still wasn't able to see Hudson. Then after that hour... they finally wheeled me over to see my baby. so i got to be next to him for a bit before going back to my room. They said he was having some issue with breathing. but it might go away on its own. it all depends.... and basically it was a waiting game.

It was terrible to look at him. He looked like every breath he took was hurting him. He was working so hard to breathe. I wasn't to touch him... since he was in distress. and  I couldn't handle just sitting there watching him... and nothing I could do to make it better. It was terrifying. We were told to touch his head and his feet... and kind of apply some pressure to calm him. But that was really the only touching we got to do for a day.

Throughout the day i would go in and out of the special care nursery... and he wasn't getting too much better. They ended up giving him some medicine that was to open his lungs... which helped a bit... but he was still struggling.

We had planned on taking Maddux to his first Cubs game that Saturday... before Hudson's surprise arrival on Friday morning. So I told Jerry he should still take Maddux. There was nothing he could do for me or Hudson... so he might as well take Maddux ... give Maddux a day with his dad... and plus. Maddux was announcing "Play Ball" in front of the entire ballpark. How cool is that? I did not want him to miss it.

Saturday morning Jerry left... and about an hour after... the nurse came in... and said... something about him getting worse.. it was a blur. I cant tell you what she said. They were going to try something.. and if that didn't work then he might get transferred. and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was not the one that dealt with this stuff. This was the stuff i needed Jerry for. I ignore bad news... I am not the person who handles it. I avoid it. and I was the only person there .... so i texted my mom. and thankfully her and my sister were in my room within an hour. and from there the day just got worse. because of all the stress... Hudson's lung collapsed. so they needed to put in a chest tube. and I needed to sign.... more paperwork... and the nurses all said a bunch of things... that I again didn't listen to... and i just sat there. It was pretty much an entire day of crying. If someone talked to me... I cried. All i wanted was them to fix my baby... and tell me he was better. Other than hearing those words "Hudson is all better now" I was tired of people talking to me.  I was so tired of bad news.

So... they put in the chest tube... and hooked him up to multiple machines... and thankfully.. within a few hours... at least i could see he wasn't struggling to breathe. he was breathing...easier... and he looked like he was finally able to get some rest. He was filled with tubes. Chest tube, breathing tube, feeding tube, the IV, and then all those other machines tracking his heart rate and oxygen.

After the chest tube was in and he was breathing better... and things were improving... They started letting me hold him and doing some skin to skin to help him feel better. Which honestly... probably calmed me down just as much as it calmed him.

The next couple of days all get mixed in together. But the chest tube was in on Saturday... and they took it out on Tuesday morning. They also removed the feeding tube on Tuesday morning.... and over the next few days... they removed everything else.  I was released on Tuesday... So Wednesday and Thursday... I came into the Nursery around 7am and left at about 8pm at night.

It was hard... I felt like I didn't see Maddux all week. And Maddux didn't understand why he couldn't meet his baby brother. The whole situation was heart breaking... and I couldn't wait for both boys to be under one roof. There was a lot of momma guilt going on... with each boy.

And by Friday they were allowing him to come home. I was scared... was he ready... Were they sure his lungs were fine? I had a thousand questions for the nurses.

We were assured that there would be no long term affects from this. It was just something that just happened... but luckily... he made a full recovery. And he recovered quick.
He spent one week in the hospital.... and I spent an entire week crying... and worrying and stressing out. I was lucky. Our stay was relatively short compared to some. And my heart goes out to anyone that has to go through the ups and downs of the NICU with their babies...

I realize how lucky we are that we only had to go through this for a week. And I realize women out there go through so much worse... and babies are in there for months upon months.
I only got a tiny dose of what that is like... but that week was the longest week of my life. I could not have survived that week without my husband, my mom, and my sister.
Those three got me through it. Those three were there for me throughout it all. And I am so grateful they were there... so thankful that they let me deal with it the only way I know how... And thankful I had a five year old boy that had no idea what was going on and provided such a happy, energetic distraction.... because I needed those messy face smiles that week more than anything. :)

And that is the story, about how Hudson David Teresi gave us the biggest scare his first week of life :)

Milkshake Date with Maddux

Dear Maddux, 

In about a month, you will become a big brother. 

And to be honest... at this moment you could not be more excited. 

You always talk about your new best bud Hudson and all the fun things you will do together. 

You picked out all matching outfits for you and him on our first family vacation this coming summer. 

You kiss my belly every single night and whisper... "Goodnight Hudson" 

and every night that sweet little whisper gets me choked up.... every. single. time.

Even though... I cannot wait for you to meet your little brother. 

I am looking forward to these final days of it just being... Us.

These days of focusing solely on ... just you.

Thank you to Melody Ann Photography for capturing a few moments... while its still just us two. 

 Maddux - You will be such an amazing brother. 

I already know you will have your baby brother laughing up a storm with all your silly jokes :) 

You already have your mom and dad cracking up on a daily basis. 

I look forward into seeing you jump into this new role of big brother... 

and without a doubt... I know you will be the best big brother, Hudson is already so lucky to have you. 

Love, 

Mom

Dealing with the final trimester....

So I remember telling Jerry, after we had Maddux... the second time... I would remember to take more photos. I would be better about documenting...

Well ... that did not happen ... again

Unfortunately, I am not one of those girls that finds pregnancy to be this beautiful... glowing.... experience.
Instead.... I feel huge, uncomfortable, emotional, and lazy.

Don't get me wrong. I am so super excited to be having this little boy. I literally cannot wait for Maddux to meet his baby brother... I am anxious and excited... and looking forward to it more than I can even put into words.
However, this experience is just.. hard.
Everyone wants to tell you their opinions. Whether you ask them or not. And being pregnant, you are already on emotional overload... so the tiniest things just... set you off.

I hate the weight gain. I hate it even more this time around because I remember how hard it was to get rid of it with Maddux, and I know how much work I am going to have to do this coming spring.
All I want is a bottle of wine and a platter filled with sushi.

We are less than 2 months from changing out family drastically. Adding another precious baby boy to our family of three. I find that the closer I get… the more nervous I get… the more I worry. It seems this time around… I worry about it more. When Jerry and I were getting ready to have Maddux I didn’t have the fear of what will this do to our marriage… or how this will affect us. But now… with a five year old… I find this thought hovering constantly. How will this change our dynamic? Will Maddux still be excited once he arrives? Will he still call him “his best buddy”?

I feel guilty… and anxious. This pregnancy has made me tired and lazy. Lazier than I have ever been. I let Maddux eat his dinner lately while watching TV rather than at the table… because all I want to do is lay down on the couch. And since it’s just me and him most nights… I don’t have the energy to argue with him over eating everything on his plate. I am not up running around lately… I’m not playing… the weather is nicer and the thought of playing outside makes me want to just curl up under blankets and take a nap. And it’s terrible. I feel like a terrible mom.

I have 6 weeks left with of one on one time with him… and I am spending the majority of it... with my feet up napping on the couch... Watching endless cartoons. I need to be better, take advantage of these last few weeks… get off my butt and spend some time with him. And I give myself this lecture every night after he is in bed… and then the next day comes… and I am exhausted. And I repeat the same mistakes.

On top of the guilt… I am anxious. And worried. And a thousand other emotions. I have had 5 years of one on one time with Maddux. I know him… really know him. I love the age gap already… because it gave me time. Time with him. And for me… it’s what I wanted. But it’s hard to imagine adding another one to the mix. I love Maddux will all my heart… how am I going to love another kid like this?

Lots of mom’s I know have had the same feelings… apparently its common. And they say… it just happens. Which makes sense right? I am not a girl that believed in love at first sight until I had Maddux. and even though I loved him before he was physically here… while he was in my belly. The day he was born… The moment that I saw him… was… in fact true love at first site. An overwhelming emotion… of instantly just worrying about this tiny tiny human…. More than yourself. It happens instantaneously. Its something you don’t understand… until it happens. And that is what I imagine happens the second time around…

I worry about wasting these next few weeks giving into being lazy. Because on one hand… yes, it is important to rest when you are pregnant… on the other hand… you want to spend time with your kid before you change his whole world.

I thought unwanted pregnancy advice was bad with Maddux… I can tell you what is worse… the second time pregnancy/family comments. I get so many negative comments on waiting 5 years. And like most of us know… these comments come from people closest to us. It’s just the way it goes sometimes. I get told that Maddux is going to have a hard time sharing… isn’t going to adjust to having a baby easily… etc. etc. I get told that “aren’t you worried they won’t be close since there is 5 years between them” And… before I even have this one here… in my arms “are you going to try again… this time for a girl?”

I hate these questions/comments. And you are already tired and crabby when pregnant. So these comments… no matter if they mean well or not… get to you. 

I don’t think Maddux is going to have a hard time sharing. So I chalk that up to… well they don’t know my kid like I do… so what does it matter. The other night Maddux went through all his toys in his room without me knowing… and put a pile of toys in the nursery. I didn’t notice the night he did it. So I asked him about it the following night… if he was playing in the baby’s room. And he said… “No mom, I was giving Hudson my baby toys… since I am a big boy I don’t need those anymore. But Ill share my big boy toys with him if he wants” So I'm not too worried about sharing. He shares with his cousins… no problem at all. I would worry if Hudson could wear the superhero costumes… but since he will be way too small to care… we wont have any issues there J

And as stated above… I chose this age gap. I always said I wanted my kids 4-6 years apart. It’s what makes sense for us… as a family. People make this choice off what works for them. So those people that choose a 1-2 year gap. Or 3 year gap… great! Or If you choose a 7 year gap… great! I really don’t see how people find this to be something to comment on. I know that a lot of people plan for their kids to be 2-3 years apart. Which is great. And my family members have had their kids this age apart... and its a great age difference. And I know they wouldn't choose any differently.

But different things work for different people. I wanted more time with Maddux. I have enjoyed having 5 years solely focused on him.... and spending this time undivided getting to know him. And for me... Financial reasons play a role. I want time between them... so I can plan accordingly as far as daycare pricing... college tuition's...etc, etc.  But again, people want to take your plan and compare it to theirs... and then tell you why their choice is right... but yours is wrong. I always choose to make decisions on what is best for us. I try very hard to not rush into things.... take my time... and not make a decision because that's what others do around me. And sometimes its hard... but with age... and experience... I have learned that what works well for others...doesn't always work for me. And I need to take a step back and focus on that.  The other day at work, a woman I work with Veronica asked me how old my first was… and I said 5.. and I braced myself for the comment of… “wow five years apart”… but instead she replied with “that’s the perfect age to add another one.” And it took everything out of me not to hug her and thank her ... for just being kind.

"Are you going to try for a girl" question. I really hate this question. No. I’m not. We might try for a third kid… we aren’t sure yet. We aren’t sure where we are…. But when we try for that 3^rd. I will not be hoping for a girl over hoping for a boy. I love having a boy. I was scared at first when finding out about Maddux. Boys are foreign to me… they play different… they like different things.. and I worried  “what I would be able to teach or bond with when having a boy” and five years later… its amazing. Its truly amazing. I won’t always be the center of his world… but for now I soak up in the bond between mother and son. Because its amazing. I am told every single day that I am his beautiful princess… and I get bouquets of dandelions…. And kisses and snuggles… and he is so animated and creative… and I have loved getting to learn about superheroes and the complete wonder of all things dinosaurs. I can’t wait to do it all over again with the next one. Little boys love their Momma’s there is some truth to Momma’s boy and it’s something I wouldn’t trade for anything. I feel lucky that I get to have 2 boys… and if I tried for the third… I would be just as lucky to get another boy as I would be to have a daughter. I don’t “have” to have a girl. I just “have” to have… healthy happy kids.

I look forward to having boys... The bond between them... Maddux gets to teach his baby brother how to throw a baseball, play basketball, teach him everything he knows about super heroes. I cant wait to see the interaction of all things boy.... and I am excited to see Hudson as an individual. In what ways will he be like Maddux.... and in what ways will he be different. I cant wait to see these two boys... and their uniqueness from each other... just as much as I cant wait to see the likeness between the two.  And plus now with my 3 boys in my life... I am just solidifying my place as princess....

Just 6 more weeks... and I might start feeling like myself again... well an exhuasted version of myself. And if any of you want to visit in 6+ weeks and bring me a bottle of wine and plate of sushi... I think we might just be best friends forever.